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Multi Billion Dollar Company Begins Canal Project in Grand Rapids

An undisclosed multi-billion dollar e-commerce company announced a pilot program that will put the Ohio canal system back to use.

The project is the company’s latest attempt at going green in an effort to improve public relations and save millions by utilizing canal boats instead of trucks and trains.

Though details are scarce, a representative from the company, who identified himself as Albert Trench, was in Grand Rapids early Saturday to survey the old Gilead Side Cut, which runs behind the Front Street businesses.

“I’m a huge history buff,” Trench said. “I spend hour after hour in my nephew’s Seattle office. He’s constantly looking for ideas to help his internet company. Last Christmas he got me a book about the Ohio canals and it hit me! Let’s save the environment while keeping our deliveries prime. In all my 95 years, this is the most excited I’ve ever been!”

According to Mr. Trench, the project will go into testing along the Maumee River from the company’s distribution center in Rossford to Grand Rapids in late spring of this year.

“Well, we gotta do a bit of digging, cut down some trees in the parks, and use eminent domain to bring a few houses down. Unfortunately, town hall in Grand Rapids will need to be razed to expand the side-cut so boats can get through. I think when residents realize their household goods are being transported by A.I. mules, they’ll be okay with the construction,” said Trench. “At the end of the day it’s about saving the environment from these awful trucks.”

Canal Lock in Providence

Trench went into more detail on the route while waiting for the dairy bar on Front to open.

“Remember, this is only to test the system. Eventually this baby is going all the way to Cinci! The good news is most of the old canal is still in place when you get to Maumee,” Trench explained. “Self-driving electric semi's will take product from the center in Rossford to Maumee, where A.I. mules will load and then strap up to pull the goods.”

Trench continued, though disappointed that the ice cream shop was still closed for the season.

“We will have to flood out what is now Side Cut Park to get those old locks going again. The boats will head through Providence and then cross the dam to enter the Grand Rapids side cut for delivery,” said Trench. “From there the mules will detach and make the deliveries in Grand Rapids and Grand Rapids Township.”

Canal lock at Side Cut Park

Trench further explained the mules as he began wandering along Front Street and onto the towpath.

“I wanted real mules but Jeff said the PETA people might take issue,” Trench said. “These A.I. creatures look like the real deal.”

Media members, along with Towpath Radio, attempted to get further clarification on when exactly the project would start, however Mr. Trench declined to answer further questions after a goose lunged at him and he slipped in the fowl’s feces.

“I’m sorry folks, this seems like a good stopping point,” Trench said as he was assisted to his feet.

Further investigation found that the project might start one year from today on April Fools Day of 2024.

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